Life & OCD - A 2015 Reflection

So, this time last year was a pretty low point for me. You should probably know, if you don’t already, that I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (and a side order of anxiety and depressive symptoms thank you very much world!).

I’ve been a “worrier”, focused on routine and order since I can remember. But aside from personal challenges (like going on holiday and having my routine switched up, or going to a restaurant and having to use other cutlery) it hadn't really affected the trajectory of my life...

 

It’s like the protagonist of a story – she’s getting from A to B and the journey is full of the little hiccups and obstacles to overcome but on a small scale. So that’s what my OCD has been like. Small obstacles. 

Never has it got in the way of me excelling in school – and I’m not going to belittle my achievement here, I did really bloody well. It never for one minute even looked like it might interfere with me going to Uni – I got in to my first choice, moved into halls, made new friends, and it was all great. And since then, it has never interfered with me getting good grades on my exams and assignments. If anything, it has been a motivating factor. OCD does have its upsides (and its okay to like some parts of your mental illness, FYI) – I bloody love a list and a routine and they are things that come in really handy when trying to organise revision! I worry about doing well, and sometimes that pushes me to work harder because I’m so scared of failing.

But this time last year my OCD was used against me, I was penalised and punished for it, and it ruined probably one of the biggest opportunities of my life to date. ACTUALLY. Let me rephrase – like I said, it has never stopped me doing what I wanted to do and doing it damn well. People’s perception and fear of it was the problem. (And believe it or not, these people were psychologists. The absolute irony!). 

 I managed to secure a year-long placement in my dream job. It was all going great. But one big part of my OCD/anxiety is that I struggle to breathe a lot of the time. It’s not a “panic attack” as I  suffered from those when I was younger, but it’s kind of like a prolonged, mini attack that doesn’t go away. It feels like I can never get quite enough air into my lungs and it lasts weeks at a time, on and off (has anyone else had that?). It’s inconvenient, yes but I still get on with stuff.

Then, completely unrelated, I started to become a bit stressed. You would too if you were chucked into a new environment (quite a scary one, at that) and told to get on with stuff. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I tried to keep busy by helping other people, being proactive and asking if there was anything I could shadow. But I started to feel annoying. 

So I asked my supervisor for guidance, I opened up about my OCD (and some other personal things that I felt were important to tell her) and she was so happy and “impressed” that I’d been brave and honest and opened up as it is “so important” and I felt great! She was brilliant – she helped me plan my days better, gave me more guidance about what I could be doing and I felt a million times better. 

 Fab. 

Until they started to notice me quietly trying to take a deep breath (and failing) every now and again. They put 2+2 together, got 239023042, and became panicked. I told them it’s nothing to worry about, because honestly it’s not! But, people started to ask me if I was “doing okay” about 70 times a day... I appreciate the concern but it was getting a bit much. They stopped allowing me to shadow certain people doing certain things as they thought it would “stress me out” or overwhelm me and I wasn’t up to it, even thought I absolutely adored it and felt I was gaining so much. 

After 4 months (only a third of the way through the placement), they said they didn’t feel I was coping in that environment (which I do not feel is anyone else’s place to judge) and I was “encouraged” to leave. While also being told that I would never be able to pursue that career and any reference they provide would see to me not getting the job. So I left, feeling dejected and like my whole life plan has crumbled away in front of me.

Now, though, I am more positive about my future career. Bugger them and bugger that. (Read this post for a more positive take on events!) But, even now, I’ve never felt so negative about my own mental health before and it’s really taken its toll this last year. 

But I am not my OCD, and you are not your depression/anxiety/schizophrenia or whatever your personal struggle is, and we should never let ourselves or especially other people make us feel that is our definition.

If you ever want to talk about anything, rant or have any questions please feel free to message me at any time, or if you feel comfortable please share your own personal experiences! It’s important to know that it’s not just you struggling – we’ve all been there.

Much love

Teri-May

xxx