When You Lose Your Right Arm

I’m about to go through what can only described as the worst break up ever. 

Everything is changing but, at the same time, nothing is changing, either. There have been no angry hateful words, no one has been “dumped” and we still love each other just as much as we did before.

This isn’t what you’re thinking – this isn’t a romantic break up, but it’s 10000 times worse. I didn’t expect to feel so heartbroken by my best friend moving home.

I’m writing this in my room with the door shut while Aisha cleans the kitchen. I hope she doesn’t think I’m being rude by not helping or keeping her company and shutting myself away. It’s very unlike me – I’m normally loitering around somewhere, being a bother. But I can’t bear to watch her pack up her kitchen things knowing that this time tomorrow her bedroom and cupboards will be empty, and she’ll be on her way back to London for the last time.

Aisha and I have lived together for four years, since day one of uni and we’ve done almost everything together since (much to her annoyance – I literally don’t leave her alone!). We get comments from pretty much everyone about how they think of us as one. We come as a pair - and now one half of the pair is moving back to London while the other is still in Cardiff. And I just don’t know what to do about it.

What can you even do when your right arm (and left arm... and right leg) is moving 160 miles away and not coming back? Anyone who know us knows that I’m a useless excuse for a functioning human and Aisha literally does everything for me. I don’t know how I would have made it through Uni without Aisha telling me what lectures to go to, what coursework was due in and when, even what modules I should do. More importantly, I don’t know how I would have coped living away from home for the first time without Aisha mothering me the whole time. “Do you have your keys? Got your purse? You taking a coat?”. Everyone thinks I depend on Martin for everything, and I am useless and not independent in any way shape or form, and maybe that’s true. But it’s Aisha I depend on the most. Not Martin.

Aisha moving out is more than just my best friend leaving. Our other housemate Lindsey moved out last year and I was also devastated and miss living with her every single day! But Aisha moving out symbolises the end of uni and the end of probably the most significant part of my life to date. Uni is over, the fun-filled (and very much stress-filled) past four years are officially over and I now have to get a “real job” and just generally not be a student anymore. Something I didn’t realise how much I’d miss until I was staring in the face of the end of it all. I just truly can’t believe it’s come to an end and I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel.

We’ve experienced every emotion this last four years – we’ve cried together, laughed together, got angry together and at each other (not many times at all though, thankfully), been unbelievably stressed together and over-the-moon happy together. I can’t speak for both of us here, obviously, but I think we’ve both grown up so much together since coming to Uni. From the nervous Freshers in September 2012, when Aisha discovered that I’d left my key in the door by accident and gave it back to me as she introduced herself (not realising that this would be the running theme of the next four years – finding stuff I’d lost and picking up after me, woops), to today. We’re both such different people - I like myself and who I’ve become through uni and there’s no doubt that Aisha has had a bigger role than most in shaping the person I am right now. 

This last couple of months, unfortunately, haven't been great. It's been horrendous, to be quite honest. The house has been a ticking time-bomb of stress and anxiety and we've both been so on edge. But that in no way negates the amazing times we've had up until now. But we're definitely parting on a high right now. She'll no doubt be enjoying some peace and quiet back in London, but for me, not being able to poke my head around her door and disturb her revising, chat together while we cook, watch Made in Chelsea every Monday and just generally knowing she’s not a couple of feet away at all times is the most upsetting thought I can think of. And even though we’re still best friends, and I’ll be visiting London all the time (you can’t get rid of me that easily, Aisha!!) this beats any boyfriend-breakup-blues I've ever had.

And I’m going to miss you so so so much.

xxxx

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